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What I want most 

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What I want now

A Letter To My Husband In 2019

Honey — I was a less than exceptional wife in 2018, and I am so sorry.

I spent a lot of time in my own mind, consumed with motherhood and life in general really. I felt what it was like to have real anxiety for the first time in my life - and not just in the moment, but for months at a time. I was in a low place there for a while, unsure of my life’s purpose and I grew distant from you.

I did a lot of complaining and blaming and keeping score.  Dammit I am sorry for that.

I turned away from you and I held my frustrations with myself silent from the world. Silent as in I didn’t voice them — but I sure did have an unhealthy attitude towards you and the kids and my myself.

I wanted you to know how much I genuinely love you and how grateful I am for your love and support. You loved me and cared for me, even on my darkest of days. You nourished my mind with sweetness and patience and forgiveness.

A whole lot of forgiveness.

You understood that I was just “a little off” and had faith in me that it was just a phase and that it would pass. You were persistent with your kindness and I so love you for that.

Now that I am easing out of my funk, I can see what a true asshole I have been.

It is an unpleasant feeling, to know that I treated you so poorly, you did not deserve that. I wanted to shout it out to the world that you are such an amazing man.

This is my letter to not only you but to all wives and mothers who have gone through a brief season of overwhelm and depression and taken it out on the ones who love you most. It is so easy to place blame on others for your own internal struggles, regardless — it makes you a jerk

I want it to be talked about how difficult marriage can be when one spouse is in an unhealthy state of mind, it really takes a toll on your partner — to feel like they are the only ones maintaining the relationship.

Marriage is such a team effort, and your relationship is only as good as your weakest partner.

So, I want to make a few new vows to my husband for 2019.

1) I vow to talk to you — even and especially, when it’s difficult.
2) I vow to run to you, instead of away from you when life gets hard for me.
3) I vow to respect you and speak only kind words to and about you.
4) I vow to make time for you and put our relationship first.
5) I vow to reach for God and fill my mind with His promises about marriage & life.
6) I vow to strive to be an exceptional wife, because you don’t deserve a mediocre one.
7) I vow to support you and speak life into you every single day of this year, and years to come.
8) I vow to be the wife that you need and the women that you can be proud of.

These are my promises to you as we walk through this new year together. I want you to know how incredibly thankful I am to be married to you. You make me so proud everyday — you are the leader and rock of our family.

I promise to be a stronger woman this year. I promise to not push so much onto your plate, and take responsibility for my own shortcomings. But more, I promise to try my damnedest to not fall short at all.

I not only want to be an extraordinary wife for you, but for myself and for our kids. I want to genuinely love myself again and feel strong inside my soul. So, that is my promise to you — that I will do whatever it takes to reach for the highest version of myself every damn day.

Babe — Thank you for sticking it out through the muck with me. I want to assure you that I am getting my mojo back — and this year will be our best year yet.

Love,  Your Wife.

Instagram: @Mrs_KellyWilliams03

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